How To Poison Your Child & Other Fun Weekend Games

The peas went down in flames. They've been renamed "green corn" and I do believe have taken on placement as "Spawn of Satan". (As noted by the boy's recent exclaimation of "666!". He added a 9 after that, but I think it was just to remove the horrified look on my face."

Now, for those of you without special needs children, when you have them, you can actually break them down into 1 of 2 types.

Eaters: No matter how physically disabled or mentally unstable they can get, if your kid eats, he eats a lot or he eats without effort. There are other difficulties, but dinner isn't usually the worst of them.

Non-Eaters: You will cry, you will beg, you'll do whatever your doctor suggests. And most of it won't help. You have a non-eater. This is politely referred to as a kid with "food aversions". You think minestrone is delish? He'd rather eat his own pooh. And you'd probably have more success with that goal than with the soup. They're specific about what they eat. How they eat it. God help you if you change it. And of course, there is the medical side effects. These kids are not the healthiest souls you'll ever come across. It's important to provide them with another source of vitamins & minerals.

I've come to the place where I am wondering if there is a rig out there that straps all necessary minerals to the skin, so that my son can get them by osmossis, 'cause he sure ain't getting them orally.

I used to lay him on the floor, bundled tight in towels, crouch over him with my knees on either sides of him arms, and drop by (immediately spit out) drop, medicate him with liquid vitamins. It's been labeled a holy day, the day we discovered we could mix his daily serving into his pb&j sandwich. This lasted for a while, but he's got the taste buds of the cruelest culinary reviewer and could pick out which sandwich was poisoned and which was not.

We found tropical liquid.

I believe the bottle is still full.

We tried gummivites, which worked for a while, but he's since decided that he hates them. (A fact he rediscovered tonight, but I'm getting ahead of myself.) For background, I should give you a roll on how this kid tastes. I've been told that he has an excess of sour buds, meaning that EVERYTHING tastes sour to a degree. Take stuff that already has a sourness and you're basically pouring battery acid on his tongue. Most veggies and fruit juices apply, which is why the only thing born in nature that he will eat is a banana. He likes salty. He lives for soy sauce. He likes burned. He does NOT like fruit, veggies, he'll show you exactly where you can put your milk, thank you very much, and if you come anywhere near him with medicine, you better be wearing a cup.

But he's seven now. He's growing fast and eating only utter crap. This has to stop. So, we're back on the "try a veggie" schedule. And he enthusiastically agreed to try gummy vitamins again.

Then spit it out so fast you'd think the thing was crawling.

Usually, you have to pick your battles and this is the one I picked. He put it in his mouth...and gagged. Over and over again. he tried crying. He issued countless "No"s. (I'm telling you, REALLY sick of that word!) So, I hauled out the liquid and gave him a choice. After another rebellious No, he was bundled. He was mounted. He was squirted.

You never saw a kid beg for gummies so hard in your life. He all but shoved it in his mouth.

And promptly gagged. He tried himself, over and over again, to get it down, but it wouldn't go, not even in small bits. But what he DID let us do--first time in life--was drop the vitamin into his water and drink it. He doesn't drink anything when he can see something at the bottom. This insprired the brilliant and wonderful husband.

New poison treatment: microwave gummi in bit of water to melt it down, then put some in his water all day until gummy is consumed. The kid actually drank it! Glory Hallelujah, we might be able to get him reasonably healthy again!

As for the other weekend games, we spent a lot of time with him throwing suction cup darts at my forehead.

Tune in Monday to see if small child survived the weekend!
Smooches,
Dee