For the first time in months, I'm purposely not writing. This isn't to say that I haven't skipped days. (snort) Just that I intended not to write. I've got my subs off and I've got a week and a half to pack up my apartment. It seems oddly silent and I'm allotting myself today's writing hours to be blogging, hopping, reading and webpage trolling for errors. There's always plenty to do, but not always plenty to talk about.
Kid is off to school. Yesterday I realized that this motherhood thing is kind of nerve-wracking. I mean, I KNEW it was, but you don't get much opportunity to sit down and ask yourself why you go through this. Or, in my case, why I want to get started all over again. It's insane. I know instincts are hard to overcome, but really, why do I WANT this? I mean, my instincts claim that cream puffs are good for me, expound constantly that sex is more important than work or food and that I can too live on donuts alone. Instincts are not to be trusted.
Still, I miss those little eyes and those quiet moments when it's just you and the baby. There will probably be less of that since Moo is allergic to silence. I mean, I don't think I ask a whole lot of life. I've learned to just get used to physical pain. I'll be in it for the rest of my life, I'm resigned to twinges and tweaks. I can be made happy with the right look, truth be told, from either hubby or son. My ambitions are being met, step by step and there's a huge chunk of satisfaction in knowing that I'm doing it on my own. But I still long for one more little face to look at. And worry over. Two more little hands pulling and pointing and waving. And two more little eyes to stare up at me while she nurses, a world of questions there to discover.
Moo blew me a kiss from the bus window. He waved with both hands and a goofy smile. When he woke up this morning, he ran to my bed and cuddled into the blankets so he could close his eyes again, his skinny arms around my neck and squeezing tight until he could sigh with peace.
And I wonder how can I NOT want to start this all over again?
Here's wishing luck and patience to all the lucky moms out there.