Monday, October 03, 2005

Walkin' The Walk

Hubby and I were talking yesterday, one of our rare walking and talking kind of evenings when neither of us was umbilically connected to our computers, and I brought him up to speed with my evil plot to become an erotica author.

Hubby, to say the least, is amused.

It's not that he doesn't find me sexy--I'm hot, dammit!

It's not that I'm not at least decently creative in our bedroom--double joints, baby.

What it is--oddly enough--is that he's not sure I can pull off the Skank Factor.

See, before any heads go blowing off (no pun intended--though there probably should be, might lose a point for that), to be an Erotica author, I'm discovering you have to be somewhat fearless. You've got to be comfortable using language that will scare your mother. You have to be at peace with describing sexual positions in graphic terms and make it good enough that your reader needs a cigarette and/or a man. Immediately. I'll have to not blush with my sexual innuendo. Not lower my voice when I use the gutsy phrases. And, most importantly, I have to have a pair of big brassy balls that enable me to get down an dirty. I have to develop a Skank Factor.

Now, I've listed that I'm pragmatic. I'm a mother of an autistic child. If I value my sanity, I wear a lot of knits, sweats and easy wash, who cares about the stain products. I'm allergic to most chemicals, so I rarely wear make-up. I have hair that needs to be ironed to look like anything other than a rat's nest. (Contrary to all that, I can still work up the occasional HOT status) But I have to admit to quite a bit of naiveté. I try to reason out fetishes (Will someone PLEASE explain why Furries exist??), I have to have diagrams to figure out a complicated position and I'm usually the person that goes, "Ohhhhh!" about fifteen minutes after a sexual reference in a movie. Hubby is probably right to wonder if I can do this. He questions that I have the natural impulse to consider or imagine something outside my comfort zone.

However, Hubby doesn't totally know the deviousness of my mind. And no woman ever divulges all her personal thoughts, desires and fantasies. For all he knows, I have an undying desire to run the Great Wall of China stark nekid to a sea of men at the other end. (Not likely, but I COULD!) So, I'd say I have a fifty/fifty shot--provided I do my research and toss off my inhibitions on the page and maybe a little bit in real life.

To that end--and this I think y'all might get a kick out of--hubby and I are keeping score.

All actions, impulses and remarks I make are now being judged for Skank Factor, lol. Points are lost for nervous giggling or blushing. So, when I make a dirty joke, I gotta do it like a pro. Have earned about 3 Skank Points this weekend.

I'm thinking if I can hit 100 in a day at some point, lol, I'll be Uber-Skeeze and worthy of some Skanky Respect. (I wonder if I'll get dinner with that?)



jack said...

Forget for a moment whether you can write erotic fiction. Why do you want to?

And pardon my ignorance but why must something erotic necessarily require a so-called skank factor?

Hubby is probably also amused because he's thinking he's going to get to try some stuff out, you know, just to see if it's plausible.

April Joleen said...

too funny,..oober skeeze. Love it!!

Sometimes it's fun to be a little skanky!

On another note,..I don't know how I missed that your little guy is autistic, but I wanted to share that I alsio have a 6 yr old, will be 7 in January who has Aspergers Syndrome,..which is basically high functioning Autism. It's hard some days,..but omg I love that kid!!!!! You're the 2nd romance writer this week whom I discovered has a totally awesome kiddo with a unique twist!

Laura said...

Dee - have you read "HeatWave" by Eden Bradley? It's out by Or "Night of Inspiration" by Jenna Allen? (Also If not, get your hands on these and do it fast - erotica without the skank and all the dang heat you can handle. Mrs Giggles loved 'em both.

Dee said...

LOL, I'm trying something new Jack. Also, it's a fast growing market and I'm considering it another way to get a foot in the door. I'm not abandoning my other writing interests, but Erotica DOES offer some very important incentives, not the least of which is that they require fast starts and you have to be very sharp on conveying your character conflicts concisely. No meandering ponderous sections. I could use the training. :) As for hubby, lol, you're probably not too far off the mark on that one!

LOL, April--Exactly! I use the words skank and skeeze in the most lighthearted of ways. Just a fun way to say I get to express my dirty mind out loud for once. :)

And yup, my baby is autistic. :) I'm finding a lot of people as well, lol. There's more of us special kid moms out there than we know. Which is great, because it can be pretty lonely. Yup, I definitely know about Aspergers. They wondered if Moo was AS, because he's extremely high functioning, but he doesn't fit AS parameters very well, so we just go with autism. :) There are days I'd love to throttle him, or hide him in a box so no one can prod him about being different. But then I'm so proud of him, too. Lord knows I've never worked so hard for what everyone considers simple tasks, like speaking and eating. Plus, the booger has too good a sense of humor to hide. ;)

Laura--Nope, but I'm putting those on my list! My friend and I had a discussion about how to NOT be Vanilla without being gross, lol, and since I'm primarily a humorist, erotica without the lurid or truly skanky elements would be great! Thanks!

Julie said...

Darlin, you're always a skank in my book.


Dee said...

ROFL! Thanks Jules! You're my favorite skank-buddy. :) A true woman with balls, lol!